Solo/Single Parent PhD Student

My kiddos

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I have the immense privilege of being in my first year of PhD studies (which is hard…like, really hard). I am also what I call a “solo/single” parent (which makes the PhD thing even harder). I’m also biracial, queer, and the only person in my family to get a Bachelor’s degree or beyond. Oh and, by the way, I’m pursuing research dealing with topics that bring on hellfire and brimstone: educational equity and justice.

It’s fine. Everything’s fine.

While all of the facets of my identity and history flavor the way in which I walk through PhD life, I want to focus here on how my parenting exists in the journey. I am not the only solo/single parent trying to walk this path, but my experiences in the academy suggest otherwise.

We collectively use the phrase “single parent” to describe vastly varied circumstances. This is irritating. Blanket terms are rarely capable of capturing authentic and realistic human experiences. My circumstance is a complex one, and the phrase “single parent” doesn’t come even close to capturing the difficulty, nuance, or joy that defines my parenthood*.

Before I was saying the queer part of my identity

out loud, I was married. Twice. To men. I got married the first time when I was 20 years old to Greg. We were married for about a decade, and we had our kiddo who is now 14. I’m going to call her Monkey (she/her). My second marriage happened when I was 32, it lasted maybe two years, and it gave me my other kiddo who is now 5. We’ll call them Chickpea (they/them).

Greg and I are dear friends. I am immensely privileged and grateful to have an “ex” (though I am loathe to call him that) that is empathetic, gracious, and determined to put his daughter’s needs before all else. We are “single” parents, but we co-parent. We are each currently uncoupled and have been for a minute. We share our parenting responsibilities, experiences, joys, and griefs. We are in this together. But separately.

The second marriage is an entirely different story, one that I won’t be sharing today. Suffice it to say that I am raising Chickpea on my own, with zero child support and little to no contact from Chickpea’s father. And Chickpea and I are better for it. For them, I am a solo parent. I am on my own with this one.

To recap, I am an uncoupled solo/single parent, and I’m trying to get a PhD. Determined to get a PhD. I am biracial, queer, first-gen college student, and have always been considered “economically disadvantaged.” Needless to say, the academic process looks a little different for me than what is advertised on university websites.

That being said, there are programs to help those who are first-gen. There are programs to help you if you exist as a minoritized or non-dominant racial identity. Sometimes you can find a hidden policy clause or affinity group on campus to help you if you live under the LGBTQ+ umbrella.

I have yet to find, however, a program that is designed to help individuals who are solitary primary caregivers who are pursuing graduate degrees.

So, as a way to be my own support program, I’m going to use this space to share the struggles I face in the academy that are related to my parenthood. I will offer these insights for now:

• I receive food stamps. My stipend is roughly $2500/month net for 9 out of 12 months. I am not guaranteed summer work (ie funding). An income of roughly $2500/month for a head of household with two dependents in Colorado is about $200 too much to qualify for food assistance. Because of Covid, though, supplemental aid is being offered for folks near the threshold. So, for now, I am receiving food assistance. I have been informed that it could be revoked at any time. My benefit is assessed each month, so I don’t know if I’m going to receive the benefit until a few days before the disbursement date. So, that’s fun.

• Martyrdom is not an option. I am aware that PhD programs, advisors, and professors often expect PhD students to pay their dues by devoting their entire selves and all their drops of wellness to the program and process and research projects therein. I am grateful to have an amazing advisor and to be in a (mostly) humanizing program with an amazing dean. That being said, because I am a solo/single parent, I need the hours between 5:00pm and 5:00am to be non-negotiable. But they’re not. Neither are my weekends. I either have to ignore my children to get work done or pay more money from my modest stipend for a sitter so that I can attend an evening class. PhD workload often requires far more than 40 hours in a week, which means solo/single parents have to choose between the care of their children and their success in the program. And when that’s the case, the academy is communicating that parents need not apply if they don’t have existing and ongoing financial and caretaking resources. But I belong here. And so do all the other solo/single parents who made their way through the fire to get here.

• Getting a PhD as a solo/single is really fucking difficult, but it’s easier than teaching middle school in Texas as a solo/single parent. Convince me I’m wrong.

• I have to remember that I already won the prize. I was the first and still only person in my family to get a Bachelor’s degree. I got my Master’s while Chickpea was an infant, Monkey was in elementary, and I was in a traumatic relationship and teaching middle school. I applied to PhD programs during a global pandemic and while teaching hybrid classes for hundreds of 13-year-olds who were also dealing with a global pandemic. I got into a program, moved states away from family and friends (save one awesome bestie), and now I’m here. I don’t have to keep getting straight A’s. I don’t have to have the fattest, raddest resume just to be ubiquitously impressive. I don’t have to win another race to be valid and taken seriously. I’m here. All of this sacrifice and hard work is for me and the folks I’ve set out to help in the world. The goalpost can be exactly where I want to put it.

*There is no one way to experience parenthood, and it’s important to name that. I think it’s also important to name the unique facets of our parenting circumstances because those are nuggets of embodied wisdom. These nuggets have the potential to be transformative insights for us as a human community. I encourage you to start putting into conversation what makes your parenting unique.